Nothing, and no. My life has been almost entirely situated around surviving and maintaining some basic quality of life for some time now. I completed high school in November 2012. I planned to take a year off to earn some savings then study photography. Instead, I did nothing. I left my job in retail in January 2013 and have not worked consistently since.
You cannot possibly fathom the amount of guilt and shame I feel over these facts. I agonised over it all for a long time before I accepted that I cannot change the past and my present circumstances are not my fault.
I am 19 years old and mentally ill to the point where it has taken over my life. I was constantly calling in sick to work, barely turned in enough school course work and only just covered the attendance requirement to pass highschool. I somehow managed to get a decent score which is now useless bearing in mind that I will probably be considered a mature age student by the time I’m able to get any kind of tertiary education.
I am trialing medication prescribed by a psychiatrist to treat major depression, severe OCD and anxiety. I’m working with a psychologist to pick up the pieces of my life and re-build. My best friend Jacob has taken on the job of providing daily care for me. Even very basic human requirements like eating, sleeping and exercising are tremendously difficult for me. My psychologist believes that until I’m able to manage taking care of myself, it would be ridiculous to consider taking on commitments and obligations such as study or a job.
I have wild dreams and grand plans for my life, but they have been put on hold until I can function somewhat normally.
Thank you <3
My depression usually manifests in one of two ways:
1) Randomly- Comes on for no reason whatsoever, can interrupt a happy mood and is impossible to shake. Might last a few hours, half the day, several days or a week almost entirely consistently.
2) Situational- Something small or seemingly insignificant gets me really down and depression comes on. Lasts so long as I’m thinking about the thing and can come back if I think on it again.
My anxiety happens in similar ways, sometimes because of something small or sometimes for no reason at all. I feel depression very differently from sadness. Sadness is easy, depression is suffocating. And that’s exactly how I feel it- like suffocation.
Sometimes, as you described, it can be like a fog or haze which simply makes things a little difficult to do. But often, it’s more like being fully submerged in water, drowning. I feel very distinct pressure on me, particularly on the top of my head. It’s crushing pressure. Horrible pressure, that sucks all the energy and life out of me. I try to do something, anything, and it’s an impossible struggle. Talking is effort, moving is effort. It’s like there are dementors around- ‘like you’ll never be cheerful again’. There’s an unshakable feeling of complete and utter hopelessness inside you like everything that was ever good in the world is gone forever. There’s no point in trying, because the battle is already lost. All your thoughts are corrupted, there is no you anymore. You would be grateful for death.
When my depression is at it’s worst, I find ‘active’ tasks are not even worth attempting. There’s absolutely no way anything good will come of it. I just end up in on the floor sobbing over my failure. I try to keep myself distracted with ‘passive’ tasks like watching films, TV shows, scrolling through Tumblr or Pinterest etc. to give myself something to do until it passes or I can sleep. I don’t take much interest in those things while I’m depressed as I don’t have much access to my personality, feelings or interests. However, looking at favourite shows or posts of things I like kind of reminds me of myself, if you understand what I mean. It’s like standing outside in a thunderstorm, peering into the window of a cozy looking house. You look in on something more pleasant and remember how it was to feel comfortable, almost experiencing that comfort vicariously. When I watch movies or shows I like or view posts I’d normally be interested in, I see the things I enjoy about them and it bring me comfort even if I can produce the same emotions.
I don’t want to give any other advice because I don’t yet feel I’m in a position to give it. Maybe soon. Thank you for your question. It was difficult to answer, but I don’t mind that it’s personal.#tw suicide #depression #tw depression #mental illness #suicide #me
Cis basically means that my gender identity matches the sex I was assigned at birth. I’m happy being female.
Making specific plans and getting set on how they ought to unfold can be dangerous especially for somebody with OCD. I often create unrealistic expectations for myself and once ideas are set, it’s difficult for me to compromise. I’ve hoped too hard for a future that was never to be for a long time now. All that being said, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t made new plans in the back of my head.
I identify as being pansexual because I find myself interested in many different types of individuals regardless of their gender. I used to identify as bisexual, but since realised that the term actually excludes people who are between genders which is something I would never do. I fall for people’s personalities and am attracted to all sorts of different qualities found in males, females and trans people. I don’t consider my attraction limited by anything to do with gender or sex.
I do feel trapped. I wish I grew up somewhere with great big magical forests, lush green mountains that gather snow in the winter and lakes that freeze over so you can ice-skate in the open air. I wish there were cobbled streets and quaint little houses centered around sweet village shops. I wish there were orchards and paddocks and rich greenery everywhere. I wish I was surrounded by thousands of years of history, and anywhere I’d ever want to go was just a train ride away. I might not feel so trapped if money was no object. I would be visiting Europe and working towards moving there as soon as possible.
My toe nails are a rich shade of bloody red.
I use a babyliss curling wand, it works on my hair which is really fine and needs a high heat and lots of heat protection and setting lotion! i have a video on how i use it here :)
and i also love my hot sticks! I also recommend investing in a few good brushes for optimum brush out and least amount of frizz! I love my Denmans xo